Dear Jeff,

I’m sorry I was such a total bitch to you at work tonight but maybe you could be less drunk while you’re at work.

I’m not sure where you got the idea that you can bartend wasted just as well (if not better) than you can sober but I’d like to posit that you can’t. No. Seriously. You can’t. I mean, you came in and broke a whole bunch of glasses today. First thing. And then tomorrow, you’re going to wonder why there are so many broken glasses. You broke them. That’s why. No, it wasn’t Taylor, she’s in France. You broke them. You.

You’re not as charming when as you think you are when you’re drunk, either. Though I suppose, in fairness to you, you might actually be saying sweet things–hell, you might be speaking in poetry, I don’t know. I can’t understand a word you’re saying. But seriously, it wouldn’t be so bad if you could talk to me from a distance of greater than 6 inches from my face. That’s just too close. I’d rather not understand you and have you stand further away than understand you and have you lean in too far.

And why did you stop buying mints for the bar? You should do that again. It was a good idea.

Now, I’m not saying that you can’t have anything to drink while you’re at work (though, seriously, you shouldn’t be drinking at all until you get your life sorted out) but maybe less. Maybe 4 or 5 fewer beers than you currently drink. Let’s start there and see how it goes because I really don’t want to be Ice Queen Bitch to you at work but it’s just too hard to watch you stumble around the bar all night getting drunker and drunker.

Crystal

PS You really are a good musician. I’m sorry that you lack the self-confidence to play sober. Someone must have messed you up somewhere along the way but that’s not an excuse to dismiss your talent for the false sense of security that comes from alcoholism. Please get help.