Anonymous Apology for Being So Fucked Up

We received this letter in the mail. No post mark. No return address. No opening or closing salutation.

Apology Letter Photo 2“It may come to you as a shock, but I’ve never done this before. I’m too scared to confront people that I think don’t want anything to do with me.

I told someone really important to me on their death bed about what happened between us, and she told me to make things right. I talked to someone else about it more recently, and she told me that I get to respect your wishes to not contact you and (should) work on forgiving myself. I will probably never see you again and will never hear your side of the story and for that, I hate myself, because I’m pretty sure you hate me now. I was quick to judge based off my own past experiences and you took offense. I guess I had missed the mark completely. Is this the part where I say I’m sorry? I feel like those two words can’t really change much or fix anything.

Apparently, the process of apologizing is to lighten the load on me, so I guess it’s pointless to even write this, and the freedom will come when I start to actually forgive and love myself. The same person who did told me not to contact you also told me to accept the fact that I may die alone and never experience love and that people will then be attracted to that peace within me. God, that idea just seemed even more depressing.

I’ve come to the conclusion, though, that it’s probably best for me to be alone, then to be with someone who loves someone else, or to fall for guys who don’t really care about who I am. Right after things ended, I did get with someone else, and everything I accused you of, was in reality, were the arms that I ran directly into, and that, in fact, wasn’t what you were about at all. I’m sorry I fucked things up. I’m sorry for being fucked up. I wish you nothing but happiness and success, and I’m sorry for causing you even more pain than you were already in at the time.”

  • http://valentinelogar.com Valentine Logar

    Ah, how good it would be if we could right the wrongs we do to ourselves with the simple stroke of a pen. How I felt this one through the heart.

  • cynthia

    “Apparently, the process of apologizing is to lighten the load on me, so I guess it’s pointless to even write this, and the freedom will come when I start to actually forgive and love myself.” I think this is true. It’s also very difficult to find the courage (not to mention the language) to make a proper apology. This in no way diminishes the self-focus that precedes the words. So stumbling towards a true apology is better than none at all. It’s everything. Reminds me of a quote: “The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” I look at an apology as a bridge. Any authentic apology must first be heartfelt, then constructed and is ultimately a means to a better end. Kudos to this one, even as she is conflicted about her timing, words, and their impact. Impressive.

    • http://anopenapology.wordpress.com stirlinggardner

      Oh, how I love “stumbling towards a true apology is better than none at all.” It’s all about the intention to make something right, even if you have no idea how to do that.