I apologize for wanting you to love me so much that I did us both a disservice by forgiving the unforgivable… over and over and over. Too many times.
It never worked.
I shouldn’t have tried twice.
It was long distance.
I was cautious.
He was convincing.
We fell head over heels in his beautiful coastal city.
I said things like, you make my heart skip a beat.
He said things like, everything in my life brought me to you.
In 48 years and many relationships, long term, short term I had never fallen in love like this…. from the top of my head to the tip of my toes.
We hiked to the top of giant mountains.
We made up stories about old couples in restaurants.
We fell down laughing at least once a day.
We did not leave the bedroom for three months.
We tell each other everything.
He called me twice a day for a year and a half.
I met his family.
He met my family.
Suddenly without warning he said he was done.
He sent me notes saying how hard it was…
A month after we broke he started dating a girl with my name and she was my doppelgänger.
They lasted four months and broke up…
He told me that he was a disaster…. we held each other…. then I gave him space to come back… with some sex here and there.
I was in it for the long game.
The following is my long game:
7 eBooks on how to get your boyfriend back
5 books on how to move on from heartbreak
293 yoga classes
986 down dogs
5 Eckhart Toile Audio Classes
14 pairs of shoes
7 letters to Oprah
1 yoga retreat
1 witch doctor
2 voodoo dolls
1 Juice cleanse
2 almost boyfriends
2 nights of bad sex
3 Magic Brownies
84 nights of Valerian Root
97 Melatonin cocktails
900 pieces of chocolate
9 nights of good sex with my ex (him)
37 prayer candles
Eight million tears
5000 hopeful thoughts
6048 hours of my life
And then came the text….
I’m sorry I hung in there so long.
Dear David C.,
When we were dating, I repeatedly refused to respect your boundaries and I’m very sorry for that. You wanted to meet for casual dates and get to know each other slowly, but I was not healthy or patient enough to accept that. I wanted an instant, intimate relationship and I pushed you and manipulated you to get it, ignoring the fact that I was making you uncomfortable. I could see that my behavior was causing you emotional pain, but I couldn’t stop myself. When you called off the relationship, I did not want to accept that either, and I caused you further pain.
Looking back on this time period, I am embarrassed about the way I bulldozed right over your intentions for your own behavior. I am embarrassed at how obsessive, crazy, and persistent I was.
I have gotten healthier, have found happiness, and have developed a tool kit for dealing with life that works a lot better than the one I had in my twenties when we knew each other.
I wish you health, happiness, and peace,