This Man Fell in Love with Another Man and Tried to Manipulate Him into Loving Him Back

zino Hello JM:

It’s kind of liberating to get to apologize to you in this open and yet anonymous forum. I really need to say I’m sorry to you, and since you will also (likely) never read this, it’s….well…it’s perfect. The truth is that I loved you, was in love with you, from the first moment that I laid eyes on you and I will always be in love with you in my fashion until I take my last breath. You were the first person for which I ever had feelings. That looms huge in my mind and in my heart. You were the perfect embodiment of physical beauty, sweetness and charm…but mostly physical beauty. My goodness you were like the models you see in fashion magazines. I will never forget your blond wavy hair, you piercing blue eyes and your tall beautiful frame. I was completely enthralled. I was clearly and obviously not in touch with my feelings, my identity, at such a young age. That didn’t happen until I was in my 20s!

But, even if I had been with who I was, I lacked any degree of social skill needed to deal with those feelings in a mature and honest way. So, as you see, I was a quivering mass of insecurity and self-doubt. A bundle of complete confusion, self-delusion, anger and utter sadness. And fat. Did I mention fat? I was ugly back then, not just on the outside, but on the inside, as well, where it really counts. I befriended you, not because I actually wanted to be your friend, but purely because you were all that I could think about and I wanted to be close to you in every human way possible. In my delusional mind, friendship was just the start. But, we were never really friends, not like the way you thought we were. I faked it all in order to get closer to you. I used all the tools in my arsenal (if you could call what I had back then an arsenal) to make you mine even though I knew that it could never be between us. Not the way I wanted you anyway—it would be like putting a square peg in a round hole. Sure, you could try to force it, but it would never really fit and deep down in my heart, I knew that. The sad part is, I just didn’t care. In my warped and twisted psyche, I believed that if I made myself indispensible in your life, you would eventually weaken and come to the realization of how “perfect” I was, and how perfect I was for you. Of course, that was impossible/impractical/ludicrous. I secretly (and perhaps unconsciously) jeopardized your relationships with others, stood in the way of your true happiness and made sure that, in all areas that I could control, you remained dependent on me. I manipulated others (and you!) to steal your loyalty and, I hoped eventually, your love. I was a piece of shit. I know that now. I feel it now. I sort of knew it then, too, I just didn’t feel it. I felt nothing back then except my own desires/needs/wants. Everyone else was secondary. Everything else was irrelevant.

For that, I am truly sorry. If anything I did ever lead to more unhappiness for you, or deprived you of the love that you so richly deserved, or stood in the way of joy for you, I sincerely apologize.

What they say is true. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. So, JM, I forgive you for mirroring me and doing the same horrible things that I did to you right back at me. I hope you have lived, and will continue to live, a happy and satisfied life. I hope you do not sit there lo these 20+ years later lamenting the fact that you irreparably harmed me, too. Don’t. I’m fine; I’m so good now. And, I’m sure you are too. I will, however, always love you more than words can express and hearts can feel. I realized THAT later on in life. I was wrong for all the horrible things I did, yes, but I truly love(d) you. I know that now—too bad that was never enough to make me happy. Be well, my friend. Sending positive, life-affirming energy/thoughts/prayers your way.

Be well. Be happy.