These things have been on my mind since I saw you. I cannot believe it’s been over 6 years.
First of all, I have never seen you look so amazing.
Your hair and skin looked especially incredible. Physically, you took my breath away. I was not prepared to be taken aback by your beauty when I first arrived. And yes, I snuck some looks at your ridiculously adorable toes. (Those shoes = A+) So, whatever you’re doing, keep on doing it. Your man is a lucky one.
But what was most impressive was your demeanor. You had such an inward beauty and warmth to you, that although I remember that being the case when we were together, I don’t recall it being as bright as it is now. You appear to be incredibly happy and that makes me happy too.
I absolutely LOVE your philosophy about helping your husband (as a team) so he doesn’t have to take a job he hates. I cannot overstate how amazing that is. I often tell people that the only thing a man needs is for a woman to look him in the eye and say, “I believe in you” and to mean it for him to feel like he can conquer the world. I got from our lunch that you would do that in a heartbeat for your husband and that is so very rare. Again, LUCKY man.
Your commitment to your daughter and the way you light up when you talk about her is inspiring.
When we parted ways Friday, it was bittersweet. As I sat across from you at the cafe, it struck me that in almost a year’s time, we’d only ever done that once before. I regret that that was the case.
I know I have apologized to you in the past, but I have learned something else about myself since then that I would like to share.
I have what is labeled an intimacy disorder. It is the core issue underneath my addictive behavior and not something I was thrilled to learn about, though awareness is certainly valuable and I am actively working on transforming that.
Essentially, I can only get so close to someone before putting up a wall and sabotaging the relationship (I know that sounds cliche, but mine runs a bit deeper than the usual)… my forte is creating a scenario where I make it the other person’s fault for things not working out. It’s based in an extreme fear of abandonment and in an effort to control a situation so I don’t get abandoned, I do the abandoning. It is a wily character defect and not something I am proud to admit.
In hindsight, I can see how I kept you at arm’s length even though you were nothing but there for me and you were such a big “believer” of mine. I didn’t know it at the time, but you were really healthy for me and on some level that freaked me out, hence me distancing myself from you. I had only ever been with fairly damaged women. I didn’t know how to relate to you being the exceptional person that you are. And I didn’t know how to get any more vulnerable than I was at the time. I wish I had taken you out more. I wish I had introduced you to my friends. I wish I had the courage to make a leap that would’ve proven to be incredibly freeing and healthy for me by committing to you. Even though I knew all of this consciously, I just didn’t know what was holding me back. Now I do. It doesn’t make it any easier to see you with that knowledge. In fact, in many ways, it makes it more difficult.
I have had a lot of “what ifs” running through my head this weekend and although I do believe that everything happens for a reason, this one is a tough one to swallow right now.
I am not saying any of this to “woo you back.” That isn’t my style. I respect you and what you have built to ever do something like that.
I merely wanted to express my deepest apologies for the half-assed way I related to you years ago and ask for your understanding and forgiveness. I hope it goes without saying, but it has nothing to do with you. It was simply some deep-rooted stuff I didn’t even know existed.
Although my quality of life is eons better than when we were together in terms of my mental, psychological and physical health, the one thing I am actively longing for is connection with a partner who I can only pray is very much like you.
I am sure it will happen one day and I look forward to telling you about it when it does.
With love and respect,
The Old Man in Slippers Who Loves His Applesauce (mainly for hydration purposes).
What? Are you kidding me? Why wouldn’t I want to respond to the old man I take great pleasure in knowing?
I had a lovely time catching up with you, and truly appreciate the kind words and well wishes.
You keep apologizing for the way you distanced yourself from me, but all I have are delightful memories of you. Your way with words, your passion for what you do, your ability to make people laugh, your humility, your wisdom, your confidence, your wit…though you might say otherwise.
I do remember feeling helpless at times when you’d express your inability to completely relax or when I could so obviously see that all of the many sleepless nights were affecting your mental and physical health; but with all that was going on with you, you were still able to write brilliantly and make silly jokes which I found both endearing and hilarious.
I can’t say that I gave us my all either in that I had my own shit to figure out, but while in the midst of identifying and accepting my own fears and insecurities, you were the one who taught me that “safe sucks”. I think that came from a tshirt you own(ed), but the saying really stuck with me and helped me get to where I am now.
My whole life I had yearned for “safe” because, well, it was safe. I had never been hurt before and had no interest in finding out what that felt like; I always remained guarded when it came to emotionally connecting with another human being, and that prevented me from getting to truly know the people I claimed to love including my now husband, then ex boyfriend. It was only after you freed my soul from fear and judgment that I was able to see that safe indeed sucked.
I had fallen for you by then so coping with my first “hurt” was not easy when things ended, but it was also the first time I felt “human”.
Without knowing that first hurt, I wouldn’t have been able to truly fall in love and commit myself to a life-long partner I would share my life with. Knowing you has been like completing Communication 101, and I don’t think I ever thanked you for that.
I’m so proud of you for having transformed into the person you are today, but you were always an amazing person at least in my eyes and I will always be your biggest fan for that.
That video was so fucking amazing, by the way. I have no words to describe it. I’m sure you’ve touched many hearts and your writing will resonate with a lot of people like the last song on a cd. I’m really happy for you and all that you’ve accomplished from the time we spent together until now, and look forward to hearing more about where your passion takes you.