I apologize for wanting you to love me so much that I did us both a disservice by forgiving the unforgivable… over and over and over. Too many times.
It never worked.
I shouldn’t have tried twice.
I am sorry that I don’t tell you I love you more; look at you and see how beautiful you are, or appreciate all you have been through.
I am sorry that I ignore your needs and wants and instead focus on your failures.
I’m sorry that after all you have accomplished in this life, I still focus on what you have not done. I do not recognize your achievements and successes. I do not notice how hard you work on a daily basis to live life to the fullest. I focus on your failures, where you are lacking, and how others have accomplished more. Instead of praise, I belittle you. Instead of seeing your beauty, I see how others are more. Instead of loving you for exactly who you are, I look for why I could love you more if only you did this or that. I am sorry.
I am sorry for the heart breaks I have caused you. For not seeing your value and potential at all times. For not recognizing you are the greatest gift I have ever been given from our Father and the Creator of the Universe. You are exactly who you are supposed to be in this exact moment. Everything you have already accomplished is far greater than anything I could have ever expected in life. You are more beautiful than anything I could perceive. You are more successful than you were yesterday, a month ago, a year ago, 10 years ago. You will continue to outshine in this life and go places you never thought were possible.
I am sorry for holding you back until this moment.
But I promise, from here on out, I will step out of your way and watch you soar. When everything starts to be hard again (which it will, this is life), I promise to build you up and support you. When you start to cry, I promise to make you feel special again and loved.
When life gets too serious, I promise to remind you to laugh and not take it so seriously.
When you don’t want to get out of bed, I promise to remind you why you started this path in the first place. I promise to take care of you and love you always. I promise to work to keep you healthy and strong- mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I promise to look after your well-being. I promise to tell you how much I love you as much as possible and remind you of your beauty.
When your past becomes baggage, I promise to help you carry it. To see your scars of pain as reminders of your strength. I promise, this life will have it’s ups and downs, but I am with you and for you, and together, we can do this!
It was long distance.
I was cautious.
He was convincing.
We fell head over heels in his beautiful coastal city.
I said things like, you make my heart skip a beat.
He said things like, everything in my life brought me to you.
In 48 years and many relationships, long term, short term I had never fallen in love like this…. from the top of my head to the tip of my toes.
We hiked to the top of giant mountains.
We made up stories about old couples in restaurants.
We fell down laughing at least once a day.
We did not leave the bedroom for three months.
We tell each other everything.
He called me twice a day for a year and a half.
I met his family.
He met my family.
Suddenly without warning he said he was done.
He sent me notes saying how hard it was…
A month after we broke he started dating a girl with my name and she was my doppelgänger.
They lasted four months and broke up…
He told me that he was a disaster…. we held each other…. then I gave him space to come back… with some sex here and there.
I was in it for the long game.
The following is my long game:
7 eBooks on how to get your boyfriend back
5 books on how to move on from heartbreak
293 yoga classes
986 down dogs
5 Eckhart Toile Audio Classes
14 pairs of shoes
7 letters to Oprah
1 yoga retreat
1 witch doctor
2 voodoo dolls
1 Juice cleanse
2 almost boyfriends
2 nights of bad sex
3 Magic Brownies
84 nights of Valerian Root
97 Melatonin cocktails
900 pieces of chocolate
9 nights of good sex with my ex (him)
37 prayer candles
Eight million tears
5000 hopeful thoughts
6048 hours of my life
And then came the text….
I’m sorry I hung in there so long.
I’m sorry I lied to you every day of my life. 3, 4, 5 times a day or more. I told you I would take care of you. Good care. I told you I would change. I wanted you to just roll with whatever I sent your way and never suffer any consequences. Not wanted, expected. After all, you were mine. I owned you. You were nothing without me. I drove you, I moved you, I kept you up late and made you get up early. I took you places. I drank. I ate. I ate. And I ate.
I tried it all, all the fixes. The healthy ones and the unhealthy ones. I desperately wanted one of them to work. Everything from a liquid diet to therapy to a 12 step program. It all ended in disappointment. And in my world disappointment was equal to devastation. Trying became too hard.
So I abused you even more. Because it was too intense. Or lonely. Or fearful. Or joyous. Or empty. Or excited. Or uncomfortable. Or habit.
It didn’t fucking matter.
Occasionally I would take care of you: a massage, a facial, a personal trainer, a few random trips to the gym always with promises of more. There was that time when we did yoga every day for a summer and we both looked and felt great. But it never lasted. And it was always nothing more than a band aid for the real problem: I couldn’t handle life.
I mistreated you. I punished you. I asked you to hold all my feelings inside for me and to make sure that happened I fed you so there was no way for them to come up. I fed you so that I wouldn’t need anybody else. I am a rock, I am an island. The fear turned to terror when I realized I was no longer capable of handling even basic emotions. I was an adolescent trapped inside the body of an adult. A very well masked adult.
When you couldn’t take it anymore you broke.
I cried. Sobbed actually. More promises. I would change. I would fix this. I promised through heaving chest that THIS time would be different. I knew I had been letting down all the people in my life, myself included. Tomorrow was going to be different.
All lies. Tomorrow will never be different.
But today, today is different.
I’m sorry for what happened to you. You didn’t deserve the abuse (physical, mental and sexual) at all. I’m sorry that I’ve been bottling up your justifiable anger at what had happened. I didn’t want to believe she could do that to us. It was bad enough that dad beat us for things that weren’t even our fault or doing. I know we can’t forget (no matter how hard I tried) but I’ve finally start to come to grips with it, and begin to heal from it and that means healing your wounds as well.
I know you’re still angry and it’s hard for you to open up. I want to tell you that you can finally do so. Neither of our parents are nowhere near us nor can they harm us.
I do want you to know that I love you…