Mom I am sorry for everything I have done. Things may never be the same but I know I will always love you. I hope after everything you have been through you still love me unconditionally. Maybe not like before but I will understand. I wish I could buy us a big ol’ house in some place beutiful and live peacefully. One day I hope. With all the respect and love I have within me. – Your son
I know. I should have written before. Forgive me. But I got the feeling that you were beginning to think I didn’t exist. But I do. And I wanted to let you know that while I might be as elusive as a unicorn grazing in a field of four leaf clovers, I’m close. I’m around the corner, down the street, on Facebook, in your office, at our local coffee shop, a complete stranger. I made eyes at you once on the subway. I saw you across the room at a party. I swiped you right on Tinder. But it’s not our time yet. And I know you’re wondering why.
It’s really not fair that you’ve had to wait this long, or go on blind dates, endure bad sex, settle for meh relationships, feel misunderstood, cry from loneliness, wrap your arms around a pillow as you fall asleep at night. I’m so sorry, my love. You deserve an explanation. So here it goes. It’s taken me a long time to even admit this to myself much less to you, so please know that everything I’ve written here is true.
The reasons we haven’t met yet, in no particular order:
1. I haven’t thrown out the list of things I think you should be.
2. I’m with the wrong person right now.
3. I’m not ready to be loved unconditionally.
4. Since my life isn’t together, I think you’ll reject me.
5. I still believe that drama is a show of love.
6. I’ve been intentionally keeping my head too busy to think with my heart.
7. I need to date more to understand what I do and don’t like.
8. I won’t be able to appreciate you until life has kicked my ass.
9. I’m too focused on my own needs.
10. I don’t know how to create the feeling of home that lives in my heart.
Clearly, I’m not my best self yet. Or even myself—I’m still figuring out who that is. I’m pretty sure even if we did meet, you wouldn’t like me all that much right now. It’s entirely possible that we did hit it off once, and I left without getting your information; or maybe I did get your number and never called because of any one of the above reasons.
Be patient with me, darling heart. Know that I’m working my way toward you. So don’t spend any more time thinking about where I am or am not. Just keep making your life exciting and full, so when we do finally come together, we can bring each other joy, because we are already happy.
I know it’s taking longer than you’d like. It’s a hell of a lot slower than I could have ever imagined. But I’m here. This is me talking to you. And I’m not going anywhere.
Don’t give up on me.
The Love You Haven’t Met Yet
View the original: here.
We received this letter in the mail. No post mark. No return address. No opening or closing salutation.
I told someone really important to me on their death bed about what happened between us, and she told me to make things right. I talked to someone else about it more recently, and she told me that I get to respect your wishes to not contact you and (should) work on forgiving myself. I will probably never see you again and will never hear your side of the story and for that, I hate myself, because I’m pretty sure you hate me now. I was quick to judge based off my own past experiences and you took offense. I guess I had missed the mark completely. Is this the part where I say I’m sorry? I feel like those two words can’t really change much or fix anything.
Apparently, the process of apologizing is to lighten the load on me, so I guess it’s pointless to even write this, and the freedom will come when I start to actually forgive and love myself. The same person who did told me not to contact you also told me to accept the fact that I may die alone and never experience love and that people will then be attracted to that peace within me. God, that idea just seemed even more depressing.
I’ve come to the conclusion, though, that it’s probably best for me to be alone, then to be with someone who loves someone else, or to fall for guys who don’t really care about who I am. Right after things ended, I did get with someone else, and everything I accused you of, was in reality, were the arms that I ran directly into, and that, in fact, wasn’t what you were about at all. I’m sorry I fucked things up. I’m sorry for being fucked up. I wish you nothing but happiness and success, and I’m sorry for causing you even more pain than you were already in at the time.”
I am sorry that I don’t tell you I love you more; look at you and see how beautiful you are, or appreciate all you have been through.
I am sorry that I ignore your needs and wants and instead focus on your failures.
I’m sorry that after all you have accomplished in this life, I still focus on what you have not done. I do not recognize your achievements and successes. I do not notice how hard you work on a daily basis to live life to the fullest. I focus on your failures, where you are lacking, and how others have accomplished more. Instead of praise, I belittle you. Instead of seeing your beauty, I see how others are more. Instead of loving you for exactly who you are, I look for why I could love you more if only you did this or that. I am sorry.
I am sorry for the heart breaks I have caused you. For not seeing your value and potential at all times. For not recognizing you are the greatest gift I have ever been given from our Father and the Creator of the Universe. You are exactly who you are supposed to be in this exact moment. Everything you have already accomplished is far greater than anything I could have ever expected in life. You are more beautiful than anything I could perceive. You are more successful than you were yesterday, a month ago, a year ago, 10 years ago. You will continue to outshine in this life and go places you never thought were possible.
I am sorry for holding you back until this moment.
But I promise, from here on out, I will step out of your way and watch you soar. When everything starts to be hard again (which it will, this is life), I promise to build you up and support you. When you start to cry, I promise to make you feel special again and loved.
When life gets too serious, I promise to remind you to laugh and not take it so seriously.
When you don’t want to get out of bed, I promise to remind you why you started this path in the first place. I promise to take care of you and love you always. I promise to work to keep you healthy and strong- mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I promise to look after your well-being. I promise to tell you how much I love you as much as possible and remind you of your beauty.
When your past becomes baggage, I promise to help you carry it. To see your scars of pain as reminders of your strength. I promise, this life will have it’s ups and downs, but I am with you and for you, and together, we can do this!