Apology to Drunk Bartender

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pint of beer  Dear Jeff,

I’m sorry I was such a total bitch to you at work tonight but maybe you could be less drunk while you’re at work.

I’m not sure where you got the idea that you can bartend wasted just as well (if not better) than you can sober but I’d like to posit that you can’t. No. Seriously. You can’t. I mean, you came in and broke a whole bunch of glasses today. First thing. And then tomorrow, you’re going to wonder why there are so many broken glasses. You broke them. That’s why. No, it wasn’t Taylor, she’s in France. You broke them. You.

You’re not as charming when as you think you are when you’re drunk, either. Though I suppose, in fairness to you, you might actually be saying sweet things–hell, you might be speaking in poetry, I don’t know. I can’t understand a word you’re saying. But seriously, it wouldn’t be so bad if you could talk to me from a distance of greater than 6 inches from my face. That’s just too close. I’d rather not understand you and have you stand further away than understand you and have you lean in too far.

And why did you stop buying mints for the bar? You should do that again. It was a good idea.

Now, I’m not saying that you can’t have anything to drink while you’re at work (though, seriously, you shouldn’t be drinking at all until you get your life sorted out) but maybe less. Maybe 4 or 5 fewer beers than you currently drink. Let’s start there and see how it goes because I really don’t want to be Ice Queen Bitch to you at work but it’s just too hard to watch you stumble around the bar all night getting drunker and drunker.

Crystal

PS You really are a good musician. I’m sorry that you lack the self-confidence to play sober. Someone must have messed you up somewhere along the way but that’s not an excuse to dismiss your talent for the false sense of security that comes from alcoholism. Please get help.

An Apology To The Child I Will Never Have

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baby6 Dear Little One,

I thought there would have been many letters written to you in your lifetime. None of them to be this one. Not an apology letter for not meeting you. Not a goodbye letter. But now that my biological time clock has just about ceased its ticking and the man I love is happy with our family built just of two, I guess I must.

You see, I had said hello to you a thousand times already in my mind and in my heart. I believed so much that you would be mine that you already feel like a memory. And so many people had reassured me throughout the years you were on your way that I would tear up in relief.

She is coming. My little girl. My baby girl. Katherine Grace.

I always wanted a classic name for you but Grace as your middle name because I knew you would have a calm, ethereal quality about you. Almost otherworldly.  I could see your big, brown eyes as a baby, looking up at me. Wide eyed and wondrous. Tiny pink fingers wrapped around my forefinger. Nestled in my arms. Safe as I rocked you gently.

I can see all the moments I missed with you and I am so very sorry, my dear girl. I see your brown ringlets bounce as you run about the playground. I can hear the sing song quality in your little voice as you ask me such innocent straightforward questions that make me wish I remembered more of my own education.

I can feel me carrying you on my right hip just like my mother did. We’d read bedtime stories at night. I wonder now what your favorite would have been. Would you be a tom boy or a princess? What would your favorite color have been when you were little?

Would you have been outgoing or shy? I would have played dolls with you and had parties and dressed up and we would always have a dog to love. I know you’d love dogs as much as I do.

What would you have wanted to be when you grew up? Maybe you’d first want to be a princess and then an animal doctor. How about into your teen years and beyond? I would always try to answer every question you asked truthfully even if it was about death or sex or other things I wasn’t sure about. Because I’d want you to always feel safe with me and non-judged and know you could always come to me. And I would try to make every school play or every science fair or swim meet. But not be a push over. Forget it. Sometimes you’d hate me. But that’s ok because like my mom once said to me, I would have enough love for the both of us.  And I’d be there for your first crush, first love, first heartache, be it a boy or a girl. I would just want you to know what unconditional love felt like, Katherine.

And now, without you, maybe I will never truly feel it. Not that mother child love. I can’t tell you how terribly sorry and sad I am that I will never get a chance to meet you, hold you, love you. At least, not in this life. I feel robbed somehow. But was it me that robbed you? Did I just rob myself?

Or maybe, did I save you?

I wonder if somehow I did the right thing somewhere down the path and gave up my baby to someone else that would care and love you more than I could at the time.

Did I give you up in a spiritual adoption?

Or did I just ask you to wait to meet me in another lifetime?

Could I not find your father?

Did I just make a mistake?

I feel like I did, Katherine. I feel like you are around me, somehow, lingering. I mourn you. As if you brought to me, stillborn. And I’m left with all the hopes and dreams I had not just for you, but for me as a mother and a woman. My heart breaks for you, Katherine. My heart breaks for me.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t figure out a path to find you. It’s like I could hear your voice in the woods but I couldn’t see you and I kept looking until the voice kept getting fainter and fainter and finally, I just couldn’t hear you anymore. I knew I was too late.

I’m sorry I’m too late.

I lost my chance to have you, Katherine.  I’m sorry I ran out of time.  I’m sorry I wasn’t ready to have you earlier.  I’m sorry the man I fell in love with isn’t going to be your father. I’m sorry I will never read that last page where we all live happy ever after.

I just wanted you to know that I always loved you and I always will. And If you ever want to come and visit me in my dreams, I’d really love to see you.

Until we meet again,

Your mother,

L

Woman Heartbroken Having to Say Goodbye to Her Cat

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elle cat pic

Dear Kayla,

You were a good girl and you lived for 11 years in the pocket of my heart. Are you happy where you are?

‘She’s crossed the Rainbow Bridge’ they told me. ‘Where is that?’ I asked, eyes brimming with tears, not quite able to understand. ‘It’s the bridge connecting Heaven and Earth’. Now you were free.

I chose to euthanize you at home. Surrounded by love. Surrounded by the familiar and in my arms. Choices I made out of love and respect for your important place in my life, carefully orchestrated ahead of time so that you could go gently. When I woke up on Saturday December 8th 2012, your body had changed. Even though the lymphoma had been eating away at you, you were always full of life force and always radiant. Suddenly your skin sagged and your bones felt light, almost like they were turning to dust. The light had dimmed in your eyes and I knew it was time. When your paw touched my face, I opened my eyes and there you were, sitting on the pillow, watching me sleep. I saw it then. I saw that the physical pain of the last 8 months had truly caught up and the cancer bird was circling, ready to make it’s final descent and get it’s kill. The moment I thought I’d never be emotionally ready for was here. The call I had been dreading to the vet : ‘Please come, it’s time’.

Thinking back now, after that initial eye contact upon waking – when you let me see inside your soul and let me feel how bad it had become – you never looked at me again. We settled into the couch at 10am. The next 3 hours would be the hardest of my life because I knew they were our last. Rob and I opened the fridge and pulled out every forbidden treat we could think of. Chocolate, peanut butter, bacon…. we offered them to you with a heavy heart because I knew I would never have to lovingly push you away from them again. It was a couple of weeks before Christmas and I suddenly realized that there would be no leftover holiday turkey for you. I’d never have to push you off my knee at the dinner table, paw swiping my food plate, trying to steal something. I’d never have to apologize to dinner guests when you constantly tried to jump on the table…. but you didn’t want any of it. You simply lay out on my legs, facing the other way and fell asleep. I stroked your fur, watching how difficult breathing had become for you, how sharp your bones felt and I wished for you, a painless death.

1pm. Your time of release.

You sat up and I took this last photo with you. You looked up to the ceiling, eyes wide and I like to think that you saw something that helped usher you over.

The doorbell went. The vet came in.

You slowly stood up, gently jumped down, walked to the scratch pole and took one long languorous stretch.

You sat in the middle of the floor and I watched as the 3 other cats came and sniffed you. Maya licked you. They had begun to reject you because you smelled differently. Cancer. In this final moment, you closed your eyes and let out a long sigh. Suddenly I wasn’t ready. You were showing me you were ready and my human will to keep you here forever, kicked in. I was panicking so hard about how to do this ‘right’ that I forgot to look you in the eyes. I forgot to pick you up and hold you and tell you how much I loved you and how much joy you had brought me in our time together. I forgot to tell you how brave I thought you were and how much dignity you had. I forgot to tell you how beautiful you were. How much peace you had brought to my heart. I forgot to thank you for being light wrapped in fur.

The doorbell went. The vet came in.

You walked right up to her. She picked you up and put you on the towel on the table. The vet asked me to step out for this part. She explained that she did not want me to be the ‘bad guy’. She wanted our goodbye to be less fraught. I was panicking because I knew after this, you would be in twilight sleep. My inner voice was telling me that I still hadn’t looked directly in your eyes and told you it would be okay. But I didn’t speak up. I stepped back and watched as you fought them when the anesthesia needle went in. Then you were still.

I was on the couch. I lay down and she placed you across my chest, face in the crook of my neck, as you had always snuggled as a kitten. I whispered my love to you, I rocked you and reassured you through my tears, as I felt your hot breath. They shaved a little patch on your leg where the final injection would go. Then you started to fight. You sat up a little and struggled to breathe. Now I looked at you. Your eyes were glazed and far away. Your soul had departed and left your feline vehicle to fight the last fight. The cancer bird swooped down and then there was nothing.

I often think that apologies are best suited face to face, when you can look eye to eye and soul to soul. My apology comes 7 months later because I just can’t forgive myself for not looking you in the eye one last time. I was too busy jumping to the next step and trying to make sure I did it the way the vet and I had talked about, that I didn’t take a moment to make eye contact.

Did I do it right Kayla? People always talk about how their loved ones come back and give them signs. The depth of your departure echoes heavily in the house. You are gone and your presence is missed every day. I hope that your journey across the Rainbow Bridge was peaceful and that you felt enough comfort in the end.

I hope wherever you are that you are at peace.

“There’s a bridge connecting Heaven and Earth. It is called the Rainbow Bridge because of it’s many colors. Just this side of the Rainbow Bridge is a verdant land of meadows, hills and valleys with lush green grass. When a beloved pet passes, the pet goes to this place. There is always food and water and warm spring weather. Old and ill and frail animals are made whole. They play all day with each other in the beautiful sunshine.

They are happy and content but there is one thing missing. They are not with their special person who loved them on Earth.

So, each day, they run and play until the day comes when, suddenly, one stops playing and looks up. The nose twitches. The eyes are staring. And this one suddenly runs from the group. You have been seen and when you and your special friend meet, you take him or her into your arms and embrace. Your face is kissed again and again and you look once more into the eyes of your trusting pet.

Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together, never again to be separated”

Love,

Elle

Apology from Little Girl to Her Parents for Buying Too Much Sponge Bob

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Girl Apologizes to Herself and Reminds Herself that She is Worthy!

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worthy I didn’t give you adequate credit when you made the “right” decisions but I gave you extensive criticisms when you made the “wrong” ones. I didnt trust that you understood the consequence to moving out of your comfort zone to seek new adventures with new paths. I faulted you for choosing to grow. I was wrong to be hard on you and make you feel less than, let you feel rejected by people’s actions when it was theirs personal choices and had nothing to do with you. I made you feel like you let disappointed people who relied on you. I was wrong each time and I want to tell you how sorry I am because I was the one who made you feel rejected! You are perfect the way you are and you’re choices were all good choices because they were all part of growth, learning and today I want to reassure you that you are worthy of every lofty dream you hold and very desire that you possess. You are incredible, perfect loving girl and you deserve the best that life has to offer to you. The  world loves you just the way you are and so do I, immensely!! Live your most perfect life and everything you desire will manifest, It already is!

Girl Next Door Apologizes for Not Telling Her Neighbor He is First Love

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Young Boy pushing girl on a homemade rope swing. Dear SM,

You are my next-door neighbor, my child-hood friend, and my first love.

Since you will probably never see this I guess I can write all of the things I have wanted to say to you every time I walk by you at school. Remember those long summer days playing cops and robbers? Or competing to see who has the best tree house? Watching the fireworks? Playing 4 square? Sledding in your yard on Valentines day? Now we don’t even talk and I/m sorry I have never said anything, but I just want to tell you I miss you like hell and I cant get that ache in the pit of my stomach to go away… I don’t think it ever will go away. And as I look out the window to your house I want to say, “So long, first love.”

All my love, The girl next door ♥

Daughter Apologizes to Mother for Depression

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crying-girl-and-mom Dear Mom,

I’m sorry my depression has cost you your marriage, your time. I’m sorry that every day that my depression gets worse that you have to sit there and hold me instead of going out. Im sorry that I fought you and almost scratched you that night. Im sorry of the bad thoughts I have in head… i cant stop. Thank you for always being there. I love you So much! ♥

-Liss

Girl Wants You to Not Understand Mental Illness

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This is powerful.tumblr_mm350rXnaL1rg6wfbo1

Woman NOT Apologizing for Being Overweight

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Abercrombie_Fitch_Logo Dear stranger,

When you asked me “how far along are you?,” and I answered “I’m not!,” as in “I am not pregnant”, your elderly ears could not hear me, so I had to repeat myself.  The five other strangers standing in line with us were doing their best to pretend that they were not listening.  Talk about awkward.

All day yesterday I stewed about how insensitive it was for you to ask me that question.  You wouldn’t dream of approaching a woman and announcing “gee you are fat,” but that was essentially what happened.  Guess what, it’s true.  I am overweight.

I apologize, not because of anything I did, or said or didn’t say.  I am not apologizing for being “fat”. I apologize because I allowed your words to hold power over my feelings towards my body— a body that has held four children and has the scars to prove it, a body that might not be “good enough” or “pretty enough” by popular Abercrombie & Fitch standards, but it is one that comforts others and one that is housed by a soul that works to make the world a better place and I most certainly do not owe any apologies for that. In fact what you failed to see is that my heart is ten sizes bigger than my stomach.  It’s why I work to help homeless kids know that they matter and why when there is a human rights injustice, you’ll see me there, right in the thick (couldn’t resist) of things. It’s why I will be in your corner when the chips are down.

I’m sorry that I didn’t find a way to tell you that I am so much more than my body and I will not feel bad for another minute about my shape.  I’m perfectly imperfect, just as we all are.

Kindly,

Me

Woman Apologizes for Not Respecting Boyfriend’s Boundaries

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Dear David C.,

When we were dating, I repeatedly refused to respect your boundaries and I’m very sorry for that.  You wanted to meet for casual dates and get to know each other slowly, but I was not healthy or patient enough to accept that.  I wanted an instant, intimate relationship and I pushed you and manipulated you to get it, ignoring the fact that I was making you uncomfortable.  I could see that my behavior was causing you emotional pain, but I couldn’t stop myself.  When you called off the relationship, I did not want to accept that either, and I caused you further pain.

Looking back on this time period,  I am embarrassed about the way I bulldozed right over your intentions for your own behavior.  I am embarrassed at how obsessive, crazy, and persistent I was.

I have gotten healthier, have found happiness, and have developed a tool kit for dealing with life that works a lot better than the one I had in my twenties when we knew each other.

I wish you health, happiness, and peace,

Jenny D.