An Apology To The Child I Will Never Have

baby6 Dear Little One,

I thought there would have been many letters written to you in your lifetime. None of them to be this one. Not an apology letter for not meeting you. Not a goodbye letter. But now that my biological time clock has just about ceased its ticking and the man I love is happy with our family built just of two, I guess I must.

You see, I had said hello to you a thousand times already in my mind and in my heart. I believed so much that you would be mine that you already feel like a memory. And so many people had reassured me throughout the years you were on your way that I would tear up in relief.

She is coming. My little girl. My baby girl. Katherine Grace.

I always wanted a classic name for you but Grace as your middle name because I knew you would have a calm, ethereal quality about you. Almost otherworldly.  I could see your big, brown eyes as a baby, looking up at me. Wide eyed and wondrous. Tiny pink fingers wrapped around my forefinger. Nestled in my arms. Safe as I rocked you gently.

I can see all the moments I missed with you and I am so very sorry, my dear girl. I see your brown ringlets bounce as you run about the playground. I can hear the sing song quality in your little voice as you ask me such innocent straightforward questions that make me wish I remembered more of my own education.

I can feel me carrying you on my right hip just like my mother did. We’d read bedtime stories at night. I wonder now what your favorite would have been. Would you be a tom boy or a princess? What would your favorite color have been when you were little?

Would you have been outgoing or shy? I would have played dolls with you and had parties and dressed up and we would always have a dog to love. I know you’d love dogs as much as I do.

What would you have wanted to be when you grew up? Maybe you’d first want to be a princess and then an animal doctor. How about into your teen years and beyond? I would always try to answer every question you asked truthfully even if it was about death or sex or other things I wasn’t sure about. Because I’d want you to always feel safe with me and non-judged and know you could always come to me. And I would try to make every school play or every science fair or swim meet. But not be a push over. Forget it. Sometimes you’d hate me. But that’s ok because like my mom once said to me, I would have enough love for the both of us.  And I’d be there for your first crush, first love, first heartache, be it a boy or a girl. I would just want you to know what unconditional love felt like, Katherine.

And now, without you, maybe I will never truly feel it. Not that mother child love. I can’t tell you how terribly sorry and sad I am that I will never get a chance to meet you, hold you, love you. At least, not in this life. I feel robbed somehow. But was it me that robbed you? Did I just rob myself?

Or maybe, did I save you?

I wonder if somehow I did the right thing somewhere down the path and gave up my baby to someone else that would care and love you more than I could at the time.

Did I give you up in a spiritual adoption?

Or did I just ask you to wait to meet me in another lifetime?

Could I not find your father?

Did I just make a mistake?

I feel like I did, Katherine. I feel like you are around me, somehow, lingering. I mourn you. As if you brought to me, stillborn. And I’m left with all the hopes and dreams I had not just for you, but for me as a mother and a woman. My heart breaks for you, Katherine. My heart breaks for me.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t figure out a path to find you. It’s like I could hear your voice in the woods but I couldn’t see you and I kept looking until the voice kept getting fainter and fainter and finally, I just couldn’t hear you anymore. I knew I was too late.

I’m sorry I’m too late.

I lost my chance to have you, Katherine.  I’m sorry I ran out of time.  I’m sorry I wasn’t ready to have you earlier.  I’m sorry the man I fell in love with isn’t going to be your father. I’m sorry I will never read that last page where we all live happy ever after.

I just wanted you to know that I always loved you and I always will. And If you ever want to come and visit me in my dreams, I’d really love to see you.

Until we meet again,

Your mother,