Woman Promises to be Her Own Best Friend

pinky_promiseI’m sorry that I have let you down.

I am sorry that I don’t tell you I love you more; look at you and see how beautiful you are, or appreciate all you have been through.

I am sorry that I ignore your needs and wants and instead focus on your failures.

I’m sorry that after all you have accomplished in this life, I still focus on what you have not done.  I do not recognize your achievements and successes.  I do not notice how hard you work on a daily basis to live life to the fullest.  I focus on your failures, where you are lacking, and how others have accomplished more.  Instead of praise, I belittle you.  Instead of seeing your beauty, I see how others are more.  Instead of loving you for exactly who you are, I look for why I could love you more if only you did this or that.  I am sorry.

I am sorry for the heart breaks I have caused you.  For not seeing your value and potential at all times.  For not recognizing you are the greatest gift I have ever been given from our Father and the Creator of the Universe.  You are exactly who you are supposed to be in this exact moment.  Everything you have already accomplished is far greater than anything I could have ever expected in life.  You are more beautiful than anything I could perceive.  You are more successful than you were yesterday, a month ago, a year ago, 10 years ago.  You will continue to outshine in this life and go places you never thought were possible.

I am sorry for holding you back until this moment.

But I promise, from here on out, I will step out of your way and watch you soar.  When everything starts to be hard again (which it will, this is life), I promise to build you up and support you.  When you start to cry, I promise to make you feel special again and loved.

When life gets too serious, I promise to remind you to laugh and not take it so seriously.

When you don’t want to get out of bed, I promise to remind you why you started this path in the first place.  I promise to take care of you and love you always.  I promise to work to keep you healthy and strong- mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I promise to look after your well-being.  I promise to tell you how much I love you as much as possible and remind you of your beauty.

When your past becomes baggage, I promise to help you carry it.  To see your scars of pain as reminders of your strength.  I promise, this life will have it’s ups and downs, but I am with you and for you, and together, we can do this!

Woman Apologizes to Her Body

Fruit PhotoI’m sorry I lied.

I’m sorry I lied to you every day of my life.  3, 4, 5 times a day or more.  I told you I would take care of you.  Good care.  I told you I would change.  I wanted you to just roll with whatever I sent your way and never suffer any consequences.  Not wanted, expected.  After all, you were mine.  I owned you.  You were nothing without me.  I drove you, I moved you, I kept you up late and made you get up early.  I took you places. I drank.  I ate.  I ate.  And I ate.

I tried it all, all the fixes.  The healthy ones and the unhealthy ones.  I desperately wanted one of them to work.  Everything from a liquid diet to therapy to a 12 step program.  It all ended in disappointment.  And in my world disappointment was equal to devastation.  Trying became too hard.

So I abused you even more.  Because it was too intense.  Or lonely.  Or fearful.  Or joyous. Or empty. Or excited.  Or uncomfortable.  Or habit.

It didn’t fucking matter.

Occasionally I would take care of you: a massage, a facial, a personal trainer, a few random trips to the gym always with promises of more.  There was that time when we did yoga every day for a summer and we both looked and felt great.  But it never lasted. And it was always nothing more than a band aid for the real problem: I couldn’t handle life.

I mistreated you.  I punished you.  I asked you to hold all my feelings inside for me and to make sure that happened I fed you so there was no way for them to come up.  I fed you so that I wouldn’t need anybody else.  I am a rock, I am an island.  The fear turned to terror when I realized I was no longer capable of handling even basic emotions.  I was an adolescent trapped inside the body of an adult.  A very well masked adult.

When you couldn’t take it anymore you broke.

I cried. Sobbed actually.  More promises.  I would change.  I would fix this.  I promised through heaving chest that THIS time would be different.  I knew I had been letting down all the people in my life, myself included.  Tomorrow was going to be different.

All lies. Tomorrow will never be different.

But today, today is different.

Abused Woman Apologizes to Her 6-12 Year Old Self

little-girl-feeling-sadI’m sorry for what happened to you. You didn’t deserve the abuse (physical, mental and sexual) at all. I’m sorry that I’ve been bottling up your justifiable anger at what had happened. I didn’t want to believe she could do that to us. It was bad enough that dad beat us for things that weren’t even our fault or doing. I know we can’t forget (no matter how hard I tried) but I’ve finally start to come to grips with it, and begin to heal from it and that means healing your wounds as well.

I know you’re still angry and it’s hard for you to open up. I want to tell you that you can finally do so. Neither of our parents are nowhere near us nor can they harm us.

I do want you to know that I love you…

Girl Apologizes to Herself and Reminds Herself that She is Worthy!

worthy I didn’t give you adequate credit when you made the “right” decisions but I gave you extensive criticisms when you made the “wrong” ones. I didnt trust that you understood the consequence to moving out of your comfort zone to seek new adventures with new paths. I faulted you for choosing to grow. I was wrong to be hard on you and make you feel less than, let you feel rejected by people’s actions when it was theirs personal choices and had nothing to do with you. I made you feel like you let disappointed people who relied on you. I was wrong each time and I want to tell you how sorry I am because I was the one who made you feel rejected! You are perfect the way you are and you’re choices were all good choices because they were all part of growth, learning and today I want to reassure you that you are worthy of every lofty dream you hold and very desire that you possess. You are incredible, perfect loving girl and you deserve the best that life has to offer to you. The  world loves you just the way you are and so do I, immensely!! Live your most perfect life and everything you desire will manifest, It already is!