Not A Day Goes By That She Doesn’t Think Of Her Daughter

ultrasoundNovember 15, 2010

I have not written to you in a couple of weeks and I am so very sorry. Since the last time I wrote you, I had an ultrasound and you were doing really great. Your heartbeat was super strong. It sounded beautiful and tears just streamed down my face. Your heart was beating 176 beats per minute. The nurse said you looked perfect. I didn’t want the ultrasound to end. I loved seeing you and hearing your heartbeat. I have never felt such joy.

Today my heart is forever broken. You are still in my tummy but your beautiful little heart is still and silent. You are now in Heaven. I am devastated. I have never felt such intense pain or grief in my entire life. You were my miracle, my hope, my grace and my whole heart. 

Mommy has so much more to say to you but I can’t find the words right now. I pray you are safe and in the arms of a sweet angel. Today is the saddest day of my life. They gave me your pictures today. You are so beautiful. I will carry you in my heart forever. You are my heart.

I love you forever,

Mommy

November 15, 2011. 

I am so very sad. Do you know how much I miss you and long for you? The pain I feel is beyond any I have ever known. I grieve you every passing second.

That horrible day plays over and over in my mind. I will never forget the nurse looking at me and saying that your heartbeat was gone. She shut off the machines and told me she was sorry. I was all alone. I sobbed and screamed out but there was no one listening. I had to get dressed and walk out into a waiting room filled with pregnant mothers that were waiting to see their babies. The nurse handed me your pictures and told me someone would come to get  me. I was told that I could either have surgery that afternoon or go home and wait to deliver you on my own. I was in shock. I was alone. I was frightened. My Doctor told me that she recommended surgery. I nodded okay. 

I fear the ultrasound was wrong. I feel in my heart it was. I have nightmares about it. What if you were still with me? I am so sorry my sweet baby. I wish I could go back to that day and change everything. I would give everything I own for you to still be with me. I am tormented by the constant thought that I killed you. Waking up from surgery and looking down at my blood soaked gown was horrific beyond words. The nurse said that I just cried for an hour saying, “my baby is dead”. I came home that night and laid in bed for a week. I felt truly dead. 

I will love you for all eternity. My greatest prayer for the rest of my life will be that I get to hold you in Heaven one day. I pray you are safe and loved and know how much I love and miss you.

Mommy

November 15, 2014.

Not a day goes by that you are not in my constant thoughts and in my heart. These last four years have been the worst of my life. I carry so much guilt and shame and my heart is so burdened with the secrets I carry. It is my fault that you died. I am so sorry that I could not protect you from him. I am sorry that I married him. I am sorry that he was your Father. I am sorry that I didn’t leave him before this happened. I am sorry I couldn’t break away from him. I fought him with every ounce of my strength. I begged him to stop. I screamed at the top of my lungs ” Please don’t hurt my baby” but he was too drunk to care. I am so terribly sorry. 

Mommy

Warning: Hilarious & Heartbreaking – Woman Apologies to Almost Everything.

QUORA-Apologies-alt copyI heard this apology at a story telling show called Rant & Rave in Los Angeles, CA.

I have probably heard somewhere near 1000 stories in venues like this in my lifetime.

This ranks in the Top 5 without a doubt.

As cliche as it sounds, prepare to laugh and cry. Well well worth your 15 minutes.

Tanya McClure is a writer and director and an alumnus of The Groundlings Theatre Sunday Company. Which is to say she’s a real humor aficionado. She can make you laugh your balls off, but she can rip your heart out, too. And lately, she’s discovered she’s more into hearts than balls anyway. Take a listen and see what I mean.

Follow Tanya here:      WEBSITE      FACEBOOK      TWITTER

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Man Apologizes to Woman Now Married with Child. Wants Her Back, But Cannot Have Her.

woman with babyPlease allow me to ramble, as I haven’t entirely outlined what I want to say.

These things have been on my mind since I saw you. I cannot believe it’s been over 6 years.

First of all, I have never seen you look so amazing.

Your hair and skin looked especially incredible. Physically, you took my breath away. I was not prepared to be taken aback by your beauty when I first arrived. And yes, I snuck some looks at your ridiculously adorable toes. (Those shoes = A+) So, whatever you’re doing, keep on doing it. Your man is a lucky one.

But what was most impressive was your demeanor. You had such an inward beauty and warmth to you, that although I remember that being the case when we were together, I don’t recall it being as bright as it is now. You appear to be incredibly happy and that makes me happy too.

I absolutely LOVE your philosophy about helping your husband (as a team) so he doesn’t have to take a job he hates. I cannot overstate how amazing that is. I often tell people that the only thing a man needs is for a woman to look him in the eye and say, “I believe in you” and to mean it for him to feel like he can conquer the world. I got from our lunch that you would do that in a heartbeat for your husband and that is so very rare. Again, LUCKY man.

Your commitment to your daughter and the way you light up when you talk about her is inspiring.

When we parted ways Friday, it was bittersweet. As I sat across from you at the cafe, it struck me that in almost a year’s time, we’d only ever done that once before. I regret that that was the case.

I know I have apologized to you in the past, but I have learned something else about myself since then that I would like to share.

I have what is labeled an intimacy disorder. It is the core issue underneath my addictive behavior and not something I was thrilled to learn about, though awareness is certainly valuable and I am actively working on transforming that.

Essentially, I can only get so close to someone before putting up a wall and sabotaging the relationship (I know that sounds cliche, but mine runs a bit deeper than the usual)… my forte is creating a scenario where I make it the other person’s fault for things not working out. It’s based in an extreme fear of abandonment and in an effort to control a situation so I don’t get abandoned, I do the abandoning. It is a wily character defect and not something I am proud to admit.

In hindsight, I can see how I kept you at arm’s length even though you were nothing but there for me and you were such a big “believer” of mine. I didn’t know it at the time, but you were really healthy for me and on some level that freaked me out, hence me distancing myself from you. I had only ever been with fairly damaged women. I didn’t know how to relate to you being the exceptional person that you are. And I didn’t know how to get any more vulnerable than I was at the time. I wish I had taken you out more. I wish I had introduced you to my friends. I wish I had the courage to make a leap that would’ve proven to be incredibly freeing and healthy for me by committing to you. Even though I knew all of this consciously, I just didn’t know what was holding me back. Now I do. It doesn’t make it any easier to see you with that knowledge. In fact, in many ways, it makes it more difficult.

I have had a lot of “what ifs” running through my head this weekend and although I do believe that everything happens for a reason, this one is a tough one to swallow right now.

I am not saying any of this to “woo you back.” That isn’t my style. I respect you and what you have built to ever do something like that.

I merely wanted to express my deepest apologies for the half-assed way I related to you years ago and ask for your understanding and forgiveness. I hope it goes without saying, but it has nothing to do with you. It was simply some deep-rooted stuff I didn’t even know existed.

Although my quality of life is eons better than when we were together in terms of my mental, psychological and physical health, the one thing I am actively longing for is connection with a partner who I can only pray is very much like you.

I am sure it will happen one day and I look forward to telling you about it when it does.

With love and respect,

The Old Man in Slippers Who Loves His Applesauce (mainly for hydration purposes).

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How to Apologize & Not Be a Fartbag

This video is the jam.

Apology to a Baby Bird

Baby-BirdI’m sorry little bird.

You were just a baby and I was distracted on the phone and overfed you.

My own gluttony blinded me to the fact that you were so tiny and one syringe of baby food was way too much.

You basically exploded in my hand.

It was 10 years ago and I still feel like shit.

Eminem Apologizes to His Estranged Mom

I think it’s amazing that Eminem, who has made a career out of rapping brutally honest lyrics about the hatred he has for his mother, Debbie Mathers, has released a video apologizing for all the hate he has spewed. (Fitting that he dropped the video on Mother’s Day.)

The video “Headlights,” directed by Spike Lee, shows Eminem’s childhood from his mother’s POV.

I have to assume this video is proof that Eminem is growing up and making some big life changing discoveries.

Time to move the past to the side and remember that your parents did the best they could with what they knew at the time.

Big move, Eminem. And Happy Mother’s Day, Debbie Mathers.

Woman Apologizes to Her Deceased Friend’s Children on Mother’s Day

Happy-mothers-day-2014-wallpapers-from-kidsDear Little Ones,

I’m so very sorry you don’t have your extraordinary Mommy today. This breaks my heart for you and your wonderful Daddy. Know this little ones, your Mommy was the most loving and happiest person I’ve ever met. She was some sort of life force who could bring out the best in me and everyone else who had the good fortune of knowing her. I loved your Mommy very much. She was one of my most treasured friends. I miss her terribly and often find myself wondering what she might say to me in a given moment. But she was not my Mom. She was and always will be yours! You are her life’s work. You, her best beloveds, are her magnum opus!

Somehow, just like magic (let’s call it ‘magic’ because I have no other explanation) your Mommy saw the world through rose-colored glasses. When I say ‘world’, I mean LIFE. When I say ‘life’, I mean the PRESENT MOMENT. No matter what was happening in that moment or what might be troubling or confusing, your Mommy could somehow magically see it differently. She did so in an instant and with ease. It was who she was, not anything she tried to be. Your Mommy had this grace embedded into her and she radiated it for the rest of us to experience. You are of her body, her heart and her soul. You are hers. She is yours. Know that you have this same magic in you.

I cannot explain why she isn’t here today anymore than I can explain a rainbow or butterfly or the feelings you get from swimming in the sea and watching the waves. I will try to explain whatever else you bring to me, just as your Mommy would want me to. Together, we will come to realize that she has not left, but changed into being everywhere, at every moment. I want to help you feel safe. I want to show you how to be quiet so that you can hear her whisper. Close your eyes and remain still. Listen to your heart and you will find her. You can do this anytime you want. You have her magic. When the time feels right, open your eyes and take a deep breath or two. Then walk back into your life. Love it. Live it. Remember her favorite story and what it teaches you. It is the truth. You have what Dorothy has – and remember, it doesn’t come from her ruby red slippers. You have the power to create your heart’s desire. You choose your life and make it beautiful. This is the magic your Mommy knew and what she has passed on to you. Use it.

XOXO,

Mommy’s Friend