Man Apologizes to Woman Now Married with Child. Wants Her Back, But Cannot Have Her.

woman with babyPlease allow me to ramble, as I haven’t entirely outlined what I want to say.

These things have been on my mind since I saw you. I cannot believe it’s been over 6 years.

First of all, I have never seen you look so amazing.

Your hair and skin looked especially incredible. Physically, you took my breath away. I was not prepared to be taken aback by your beauty when I first arrived. And yes, I snuck some looks at your ridiculously adorable toes. (Those shoes = A+) So, whatever you’re doing, keep on doing it. Your man is a lucky one.

But what was most impressive was your demeanor. You had such an inward beauty and warmth to you, that although I remember that being the case when we were together, I don’t recall it being as bright as it is now. You appear to be incredibly happy and that makes me happy too.

I absolutely LOVE your philosophy about helping your husband (as a team) so he doesn’t have to take a job he hates. I cannot overstate how amazing that is. I often tell people that the only thing a man needs is for a woman to look him in the eye and say, “I believe in you” and to mean it for him to feel like he can conquer the world. I got from our lunch that you would do that in a heartbeat for your husband and that is so very rare. Again, LUCKY man.

Your commitment to your daughter and the way you light up when you talk about her is inspiring.

When we parted ways Friday, it was bittersweet. As I sat across from you at the cafe, it struck me that in almost a year’s time, we’d only ever done that once before. I regret that that was the case.

I know I have apologized to you in the past, but I have learned something else about myself since then that I would like to share.

I have what is labeled an intimacy disorder. It is the core issue underneath my addictive behavior and not something I was thrilled to learn about, though awareness is certainly valuable and I am actively working on transforming that.

Essentially, I can only get so close to someone before putting up a wall and sabotaging the relationship (I know that sounds cliche, but mine runs a bit deeper than the usual)… my forte is creating a scenario where I make it the other person’s fault for things not working out. It’s based in an extreme fear of abandonment and in an effort to control a situation so I don’t get abandoned, I do the abandoning. It is a wily character defect and not something I am proud to admit.

In hindsight, I can see how I kept you at arm’s length even though you were nothing but there for me and you were such a big “believer” of mine. I didn’t know it at the time, but you were really healthy for me and on some level that freaked me out, hence me distancing myself from you. I had only ever been with fairly damaged women. I didn’t know how to relate to you being the exceptional person that you are. And I didn’t know how to get any more vulnerable than I was at the time. I wish I had taken you out more. I wish I had introduced you to my friends. I wish I had the courage to make a leap that would’ve proven to be incredibly freeing and healthy for me by committing to you. Even though I knew all of this consciously, I just didn’t know what was holding me back. Now I do. It doesn’t make it any easier to see you with that knowledge. In fact, in many ways, it makes it more difficult.

I have had a lot of “what ifs” running through my head this weekend and although I do believe that everything happens for a reason, this one is a tough one to swallow right now.

I am not saying any of this to “woo you back.” That isn’t my style. I respect you and what you have built to ever do something like that.

I merely wanted to express my deepest apologies for the half-assed way I related to you years ago and ask for your understanding and forgiveness. I hope it goes without saying, but it has nothing to do with you. It was simply some deep-rooted stuff I didn’t even know existed.

Although my quality of life is eons better than when we were together in terms of my mental, psychological and physical health, the one thing I am actively longing for is connection with a partner who I can only pray is very much like you.

I am sure it will happen one day and I look forward to telling you about it when it does.

With love and respect,

The Old Man in Slippers Who Loves His Applesauce (mainly for hydration purposes).

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Eminem Apologizes to His Estranged Mom

I think it’s amazing that Eminem, who has made a career out of rapping brutally honest lyrics about the hatred he has for his mother, Debbie Mathers, has released a video apologizing for all the hate he has spewed. (Fitting that he dropped the video on Mother’s Day.)

The video “Headlights,” directed by Spike Lee, shows Eminem’s childhood from his mother’s POV.

I have to assume this video is proof that Eminem is growing up and making some big life changing discoveries.

Time to move the past to the side and remember that your parents did the best they could with what they knew at the time.

Big move, Eminem. And Happy Mother’s Day, Debbie Mathers.

Woman Apologizes to Her Deceased Friend’s Children on Mother’s Day

Happy-mothers-day-2014-wallpapers-from-kidsDear Little Ones,

I’m so very sorry you don’t have your extraordinary Mommy today. This breaks my heart for you and your wonderful Daddy. Know this little ones, your Mommy was the most loving and happiest person I’ve ever met. She was some sort of life force who could bring out the best in me and everyone else who had the good fortune of knowing her. I loved your Mommy very much. She was one of my most treasured friends. I miss her terribly and often find myself wondering what she might say to me in a given moment. But she was not my Mom. She was and always will be yours! You are her life’s work. You, her best beloveds, are her magnum opus!

Somehow, just like magic (let’s call it ‘magic’ because I have no other explanation) your Mommy saw the world through rose-colored glasses. When I say ‘world’, I mean LIFE. When I say ‘life’, I mean the PRESENT MOMENT. No matter what was happening in that moment or what might be troubling or confusing, your Mommy could somehow magically see it differently. She did so in an instant and with ease. It was who she was, not anything she tried to be. Your Mommy had this grace embedded into her and she radiated it for the rest of us to experience. You are of her body, her heart and her soul. You are hers. She is yours. Know that you have this same magic in you.

I cannot explain why she isn’t here today anymore than I can explain a rainbow or butterfly or the feelings you get from swimming in the sea and watching the waves. I will try to explain whatever else you bring to me, just as your Mommy would want me to. Together, we will come to realize that she has not left, but changed into being everywhere, at every moment. I want to help you feel safe. I want to show you how to be quiet so that you can hear her whisper. Close your eyes and remain still. Listen to your heart and you will find her. You can do this anytime you want. You have her magic. When the time feels right, open your eyes and take a deep breath or two. Then walk back into your life. Love it. Live it. Remember her favorite story and what it teaches you. It is the truth. You have what Dorothy has – and remember, it doesn’t come from her ruby red slippers. You have the power to create your heart’s desire. You choose your life and make it beautiful. This is the magic your Mommy knew and what she has passed on to you. Use it.

XOXO,

Mommy’s Friend

Son Apologizes to Mom on Mother’s Day

mothers-dayMom I am sorry for everything I have done. Things may never be the same but I know I will always love you. I hope after everything you have been through you still love me unconditionally.  Maybe not like before but I will understand. I wish I could buy us a big ol’ house in some place beutiful and live peacefully. One day I hope. With all the respect and love I have within me. – Your son

A Letter From The Love You Haven’t Met Yet

Love-LettersDear Future Love of My Life:

I know. I should have written before. Forgive me. But I got the feeling that you were beginning to think I didn’t exist. But I do. And I wanted to let you know that while I might be as elusive as a unicorn grazing in a field of four leaf clovers, I’m close. I’m around the corner, down the street, on Facebook, in your office, at our local coffee shop, a complete stranger. I made eyes at you once on the subway. I saw you across the room at a party. I swiped you right on Tinder. But it’s not our time yet. And I know you’re wondering why.

It’s really not fair that you’ve had to wait this long, or go on blind dates, endure bad sex, settle for meh relationships, feel misunderstood, cry from loneliness, wrap your arms around a pillow as you fall asleep at night. I’m so sorry, my love. You deserve an explanation. So here it goes. It’s taken me a long time to even admit this to myself much less to you, so please know that everything I’ve written here is true.

The reasons we haven’t met yet, in no particular order:

1. I haven’t thrown out the list of things I think you should be.

2. I’m with the wrong person right now.

3. I’m not ready to be loved unconditionally.

4. Since my life isn’t together, I think you’ll reject me.

5. I still believe that drama is a show of love.

6. I’ve been intentionally keeping my head too busy to think with my heart.

7. I need to date more to understand what I do and don’t like.

8. I won’t be able to appreciate you until life has kicked my ass.

9. I’m too focused on my own needs.

10. I don’t know how to create the feeling of home that lives in my heart.

Clearly, I’m not my best self yet. Or even myself—I’m still figuring out who that is. I’m pretty sure even if we did meet, you wouldn’t like me all that much right now. It’s entirely possible that we did hit it off once, and I left without getting your information; or maybe I did get your number and never called because of any one of the above reasons.

Be patient with me, darling heart. Know that I’m working my way toward you. So don’t spend any more time thinking about where I am or am not. Just keep making your life exciting and full, so when we do finally come together, we can bring each other joy, because we are already happy.

I know it’s taking longer than you’d like. It’s a hell of a lot slower than I could have ever imagined. But I’m here. This is me talking to you. And I’m not going anywhere.

Don’t give up on me.

Yours,

In perpetuity,

The Love You Haven’t Met Yet

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