These things have been on my mind since I saw you. I cannot believe it’s been over 6 years.
First of all, I have never seen you look so amazing.
Your hair and skin looked incredible! Wow. Physically, you took my breath away. I was taken aback by your beauty when I first arrived. And yes, I snuck some looks at your ridiculously adorable toes! (Those shoes = A+) So, whatever you’re doing, keep on doing it’! Your man is a lucky one!
But what was most impressive was your demeanor. You had such an inward beauty and warmth to you, that although I remember that being the case when we were together, I don’t recall it being as bright as it is now. You appear to be incredibly happy and that makes me happy too.
I absolutely LOVE your philosophy about helping your husband (as a team) so he doesn’t have to take a job he hates. I cannot overstate how amazing that is. I often tell people that the only thing a man needs is for a woman to look him in the eye and say, “I believe in you” and to mean it for him to feel like he can conquer the world. I got from our lunch that you would do that in a heartbeat for your husband and that is so very rare. Again, LUCKY LUCKY man.
Your commitment to your daughter and the way you light up when you talk about her is inspiring.
When we parted ways Friday, it was bittersweet. As I sat across from you at the Caffe, it struck me that we’d only ever done that once before. I want to say it was in Montrose (or thereabouts) and I regret that that was the case.
I know I have apologized to you in the past, but I have learned something else about myself since then that I would like to share.
I have what is labeled an intimacy disorder. It is the core issue underneath my addictive-type behavior and not something I was thrilled to learn about, though awareness is certainly valuable and I am actively working on transforming that.
Essentially, I can only get so close to someone before putting up a wall and sabotaging the relationship (I know that sounds cliche, but mine runs a bit deeper than the usual)… my forte is creating a scenario where I make it the other person’s fault for things not working out. It’s based in an extreme fear of abandonment and in an effort to control a situation so I don’t get abandoned, I do the abandoning. It is a wily character defect and not something I am proud to admit.
In hindsight, I can see how I kept you at arm’s length even though you were nothing but there for me and you were such a big “believer” of mine. I didn’t know it at the time, but you were really healthy for me and on some level that freaked me out, hence me distancing myself from you. I had only ever been with fairly damaged women. I didn’t know how to relate to you being the exceptional person that you are. And I didn’t know how to get any more vulnerable than I was at the time. I wish I had taken you out more. I wish I had introduced you to my friends. I wish I had the courage to make a leap that would’ve proven to be incredibly freeing and healthy for me by committing to you. Even though I knew all of this consciously, I just didn’t know what was holding me back. Now I do. It doesn’t make it any easier to see you with that knowledge. In fact, in many ways, it makes it more difficult.
I have had a lot of “what ifs” running through my head this weekend and although I do believe that everything happens for a reason, this one is a tough one to swallow right now.
I am not saying any of this to “woo you back.” That isn’t my style. I respect you and what you have built to ever do something like that.
I merely wanted to express my deepest apologies for the half-assed way I related to you years ago and ask for your understanding and forgiveness. I hope it goes without saying, but it has nothing to do with you. It was simply some deep-rooted crap I didn’t even know existed.
Although my quality of life is eons better than when we were together in terms of my mental, psychological and physical health, the one thing I am actively longing for is connection with a partner who I can only pray is very much like you.
I am sure it will happen one day and I look forward to telling you about it when it does.
With love and respect,
The Old Man in Slippers Who Loves His Applesauce (mainly for hydration purposes).