Hello JM:
It’s kind of liberating to get to apologize to you in this open and yet anonymous forum. I really need to say I’m sorry to you, and since you will also (likely) never read this, it’s….well…it’s perfect. The truth is that I loved you, was in love with you, from the first moment that I laid eyes on you and I will always be in love with you in my fashion until I take my last breath. You were the first person for which I ever had feelings. That looms huge in my mind and in my heart. You were the perfect embodiment of physical beauty, sweetness and charm…but mostly physical beauty. My goodness you were like the models you see in fashion magazines. I will never forget your blond wavy hair, you piercing blue eyes and your tall beautiful frame. I was completely enthralled. I was clearly and obviously not in touch with my feelings, my identity, at such a young age. That didn’t happen until I was in my 20s!
But, even if I had been with who I was, I lacked any degree of social skill needed to deal with those feelings in a mature and honest way. So, as you see, I was a quivering mass of insecurity and self-doubt. A bundle of complete confusion, self-delusion, anger and utter sadness. And fat. Did I mention fat? I was ugly back then, not just on the outside, but on the inside, as well, where it really counts. I befriended you, not because I actually wanted to be your friend, but purely because you were all that I could think about and I wanted to be close to you in every human way possible. In my delusional mind, friendship was just the start. But, we were never really friends, not like the way you thought we were. I faked it all in order to get closer to you. I used all the tools in my arsenal (if you could call what I had back then an arsenal) to make you mine even though I knew that it could never be between us. Not the way I wanted you anyway—it would be like putting a square peg in a round hole. Sure, you could try to force it, but it would never really fit and deep down in my heart, I knew that. The sad part is, I just didn’t care. In my warped and twisted psyche, I believed that if I made myself indispensible in your life, you would eventually weaken and come to the realization of how “perfect” I was, and how perfect I was for you. Of course, that was impossible/impractical/ludicrous. I secretly (and perhaps unconsciously) jeopardized your relationships with others, stood in the way of your true happiness and made sure that, in all areas that I could control, you remained dependent on me. I manipulated others (and you!) to steal your loyalty and, I hoped eventually, your love. I was a piece of shit. I know that now. I feel it now. I sort of knew it then, too, I just didn’t feel it. I felt nothing back then except my own desires/needs/wants. Everyone else was secondary. Everything else was irrelevant.
For that, I am truly sorry. If anything I did ever lead to more unhappiness for you, or deprived you of the love that you so richly deserved, or stood in the way of joy for you, I sincerely apologize.
What they say is true. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. So, JM, I forgive you for mirroring me and doing the same horrible things that I did to you right back at me. I hope you have lived, and will continue to live, a happy and satisfied life. I hope you do not sit there lo these 20+ years later lamenting the fact that you irreparably harmed me, too. Don’t. I’m fine; I’m so good now. And, I’m sure you are too. I will, however, always love you more than words can express and hearts can feel. I realized THAT later on in life. I was wrong for all the horrible things I did, yes, but I truly love(d) you. I know that now—too bad that was never enough to make me happy. Be well, my friend. Sending positive, life-affirming energy/thoughts/prayers your way.
Be well. Be happy.
Jenn,
You need to hear some things from me. I was your man for so long…during our time together I never took the time or made the effort to talk with you about some of my behavior, behavior I knew in my heart was wrong. I do want to say right here in the beginning that we are done, no mas, its over, finished… done… I get that. So this is not some attempt to stir your emotions in some way. Just me being completely honest with you about my behavior over the last 6 years we have known each other. Without you hearing me say these words we will aways have a block in these areas because you already know the truth of what I am about to say. And you need to know that I know it, and that I get it.
In a lot of ways I am an old fashioned guy, I believe that a man has a certain roll and obligations in a relationship. I failed to uphold my end of the bargain in so many ways with you, and for that I am deeply sorry. The first thing that comes to mind is, indifference, with my behavior I showed you indifference for a very long time. I believe that is the worst thing a man can do to his woman. I could go into a long self serving explanation trying to justify my behavior but that is not important. A man’s job is to make his woman feel beautiful, and to let her know through words and actions that she is the world to him; I failed you in this regard, I am beyond sorry for that Jenn. Just know it was never motivated by something you were lacking, or not doing, the shortcoming was mine. I betrayed my heart, I always loved you deeply, I still do. I have only now started to understand my stated positions on family and children. What a person says they want and what they real want are not always the same thing. I explained away not wanting or needing a family with stories of my childhood, or just not wanting the responsibility. But the real truth of it is that I felt like a loser working at the club and I didn’t want my kids to be embarrassed by a father who could never quite make it. That was not a conversation I was willing or able to have with you. So I told you I could never give you what you want, which I am sure felt like, I just didn’t want to give you what you wanted … no the subtext was, your man is too big of a fucking loser to be able to do what is necessary and give you what you want. The saddest part is that accounting was for us, I was so excited to be able to work for you and for us and be a man by having a profession, and providing for our family. I could finally feel good about myself. But once again, I couldn’t tell you any of that until it was too late.
When you would ask if I was in love with you my heart was screaming.. say yes, but I couldn’t say that because then the next question would be, at least in your mind, why isn’t this guy closing the deal…. Because at that time I had nothing to contribute. I couldn’t feel like a man if I wasn’t doing my part, so I walked away… behavior I am also deeply sorry for delivering to your doorstep.
I was arrogant, I never imagined the day you would say no to us. And that was just stupid, you are a spectacular person, of course someone else would see your value and want to be with you. And a person can only be treated with indifference for so long before they believe that the other person is actually indifferent. My biggest regret… withholding intimacy, many times you wanted sex and to feel me, and my dumb ass withheld that from you because I was mad about something. How stupid was that, a woman should never be rejected by her man, it cuts too deep. I am so sorry for that Jenn, that behavior was absolute bullshit. Especially because those moments when we made love and I felt you were heaven to us, the rest of the world did not matter, the whole universe was you.
I never talked with you about how important you were in my life, especially after we ‘broke up’. The times you would come over to my place just to watch TV meant everything to me. I would look forward to putting my head on your stomach and feeling you, putting my arms around you, closing my eyes and inhaling you. But God forbid I tell you any of this, nope just let her think you don’t really give a shit that way you won’t have to confront any of your bullshit. What a jackass. I am also sorry for being hostile, or grumpy with the 2 of you at times. You never did anything to deserve it. It was just my fucked up way of creating some distance. I knew you loved me Jenn, why the fuck would you hang in there for so long if you didn’t. It wasn’t your job to tell me you were walking away, anyone would walk away, hell I would have walked away. It was my job to remove my head from my ass and beg your forgiveness. Of course that never happened until it was too late.
I don’t begrudge you love or a relationship with someone else who will treat you like you deserve. I don’t deserve another chance with you, in my heart I know that. This day is my creation, not yours, I want you to know that I fully understand that. You my love did nothing wrong, you were just a neglected woman yearning for love, I hope you find it baby, I really do.
You will always own a special place in my heart,
Will
Brenda Lee said it best.
I’m sorry, so sorry
That I was such a fool
I didn’t know
Love could be so cruel
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Uh-oh
Oh, yes
You tell me mistakes
Are part of being young
But that don’t right
The wrong that’s been done
[Spoken:]
(I’m sorry) I’m sorry
(So sorry) So sorry
Please accept my apology
But love is blind
And I was to blind to see
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Uh-oh
Oh, yes
You tell me mistakes
Are part of being young
But that don’t right
The wrong that’s been done
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Uh-oh
Oh, yes
I’m sorry, so sorry
Please accept my apology
But love was blind
And I was too blind to see
(Sorry)
You were filthy. You were matted. Your teeth were a mess, jutted-out-under-bite, yellow, and neglected. There was dry poop crusted onto your back leg, something I mistakenly assumed might bother you. When I tried to clean it off, you tried to bite me with those ridiculous teeth of yours.
Chester, you were not my dog. I was nobody to you. Your somebody left you at a vet’s office months ago and never came back. I suppose they had been trying to do the kinder thing by not leaving you at the shelter, knowing that at eleven years old, your chances would be so low. Knowing that with a big tumor on your side, your chances would be so low. And really, chances for everyone there are so low.
The vet called me because he knows I foster dogs. Because he knows I’m insane like that. Because he knows that I care. And I did care, Chester; and I wanted to help you. But that Wednesday, I just could not. I could not because I was caught up in the ego and in the trivial and in the me me me. I justified to myself that I always care too much. I asked myself how good could I possibly be for you being spread so thin? On that day I was drowning from the inside out, my heart already bursting with pain for the suffering of animals. That ache lives right there, just exists and hangs, so thinly veiled that I’m almost never without it. On that day, it was furious and it overtook my insides, and it shredded me. I had nothing left for you.
So after only a few hours in my home, I took you back to the vet because my fingers feared your mouth. Because I didn’t choose to give you time to bloom. Because that Wednesday I wanted faster and easier. I vowed to come walk you. I vowed to come see you. I vowed to bring you home once more. But deep in my belly, even as I waved goodbye, I knew I should’ve give you a chance. I knew I was your last hope. I knew you would perish there, after months of calling a kennel your home, and it is not a home – the concrete floor and the constant barking and the coldness. I knew that it would be a tragedy to end a life you never got to live. Because how good could it have been before we met? Because what kind of a person leaves their pet behind?
Now I’m on the phone with the vet’s, put on hold. I’ve called for you, Chester. It’s me. I’m here. It’s been a few days, and I want to take you on a stroll so you can feel the sunshine on your skin. I want to try again. I told them I would try again. You deserve someone to try again. Yvette, the head vet tech, sounds small when she returns to the line, smaller than her usual mousy self. “They decided to euthanize him,” she says. And I think she’s confused you with some other shaggy old Terrier. Because there had been vows and there had been promises. But she is not confused. I’m just too late.
They didn’t call me, Chester. I swear I told them I’d be back. I even bought you mushy treats to eat out of my hands so you could meet my smell again and warm to me. But I had you here and the moment was then, and I let you down. I’ve yanked my car into a Trader Joe’s parking lot because I can’t drive through my streaming tears. I’m sitting in front of a dumpster, and I want to jump into it. I want to throw away this regret. I want that bin to be a time capsule that takes me back and lets me do it over, and lets me do it better. I want it to bring you back to life.
And I don’t know if anyone held you as they slid the needle into your vein. I don’t know if you felt affection escorting you out of this world. I don’t know if someone wept by your side. And I know you were old and sick and discarded, but somebody should have held you anyway. It should’ve been me. And now all I can think is: how did you go?
I get hundreds of emails every day, Chester, a constant punch of pleas for homeless pets like you. I see countless faces every weekend, each eager for belonging and safety and tenderness. But I can’t stop thinking about how many animals we never see at all. How many don’t get their stories shared. How many faces we don’t notice. And then – who knows they were ever even here? I want you to know that you were here. I learned of your story and it affected me. I heard your feet on my wooden floor and it made music. I pushed the coarse fur out of your eyes so you could know what friendship looks like.
But real friends don’t give up so fast, the way I did. Real friends care, the way I always thought I would. That one day I had you here, I wasn’t your friend and I didn’t care enough. I took a moment to harden my flooded-heart. I took a moment to create a divide between you and me. I took a moment to put your situation aside, murmured, “wait for me, I’ll try again when it’s more convenient with my schedule.” But it wasn’t up to you; you couldn’t wait. And it cost you your life. My uncaring moment cost you your life. And it cost me something, too: the price of living with guilt and with shame.
Don’t feel bad for me, Chester. I am not a martyr or a saint or an angel. Others are heroes; I am not. I have terrible road rage and I’m impatient and I don’t always wash my hands. But I care. I care deeply. I care deeply and yet I failed you. And I don’t think I like people anymore because people leave their animals in the dust. And where was your “owner” on that day? Huh? Where? It’s not that it’s a bother for me to hold this now. It’s not that it’s a drain. It’s just that it demands so much strength.
I don’t even know if I am good anymore, Chester. All I know is I can’t breathe. Caring takes so much time and so much energy, that I forget to breathe. And I want to shout, “Help me! No one can do it alone!” I want to insist, “You are somebody! It takes all of us to stop this!” I want to declare, “I am not an enabler, I am not a doormat. I must not absorb it all!” But I can’t tell anybody what to do. And at the end of the day, only the animals suffer for my rebellion. Like you.
Some may say, “he was just a dog.” But you were a life, and now you are not. And why should it be this way, this calloused way, why should some live and some die? Why do we get to decide when we are so flawed and so faulty? My husband says, “you can’t care that much every single time.” My mother says, “you’re doing the best you can, more than most.” My father says, “you cannot save them all.” But I can’t hear them.
All I hear is the rhythm of your paws on my floor. And sometimes it feels like too much. It always feels like too much. It feels like I am wearing a hundred cloaks. A thousand. A million. It is hot and humid, and I am lost in fabric. You may never see me again, it is so heavy. I am a hangar, I am a coat rack, I am here to carry cloth. The weight of all that fur. But the alternative is not to care and look where that led me. You are gone.
A nine-year-old Australian boy felt so bad about pinching his little brother’s testicles he felt compelled to write him a letter.
The sweet note, which has since gone viral upon being posted to Facebook, expresses the boy’s sincere regret at causing his brother pain.
Identified only as Zac, he is said to live in Adelaide.