You need to hear some things from me. I was your man for so long…during our time together I never took the time or made the effort to talk with you about some of my behavior, behavior I knew in my heart was wrong. I do want to say right here in the beginning that we are done, no mas, its over, finished… done… I get that. So this is not some attempt to stir your emotions in some way. Just me being completely honest with you about my behavior over the last 6 years we have known each other. Without you hearing me say these words we will aways have a block in these areas because you already know the truth of what I am about to say. And you need to know that I know it, and that I get it.
In a lot of ways I am an old fashioned guy, I believe that a man has a certain roll and obligations in a relationship. I failed to uphold my end of the bargain in so many ways with you, and for that I am deeply sorry. The first thing that comes to mind is, indifference, with my behavior I showed you indifference for a very long time. I believe that is the worst thing a man can do to his woman. I could go into a long self serving explanation trying to justify my behavior but that is not important. A man’s job is to make his woman feel beautiful, and to let her know through words and actions that she is the world to him; I failed you in this regard, I am beyond sorry for that Jenn. Just know it was never motivated by something you were lacking, or not doing, the shortcoming was mine. I betrayed my heart, I always loved you deeply, I still do. I have only now started to understand my stated positions on family and children. What a person says they want and what they real want are not always the same thing. I explained away not wanting or needing a family with stories of my childhood, or just not wanting the responsibility. But the real truth of it is that I felt like a loser working at the club and I didn’t want my kids to be embarrassed by a father who could never quite make it. That was not a conversation I was willing or able to have with you. So I told you I could never give you what you want, which I am sure felt like, I just didn’t want to give you what you wanted … no the subtext was, your man is too big of a fucking loser to be able to do what is necessary and give you what you want. The saddest part is that accounting was for us, I was so excited to be able to work for you and for us and be a man by having a profession, and providing for our family. I could finally feel good about myself. But once again, I couldn’t tell you any of that until it was too late.
When you would ask if I was in love with you my heart was screaming.. say yes, but I couldn’t say that because then the next question would be, at least in your mind, why isn’t this guy closing the deal…. Because at that time I had nothing to contribute. I couldn’t feel like a man if I wasn’t doing my part, so I walked away… behavior I am also deeply sorry for delivering to your doorstep.
I was arrogant, I never imagined the day you would say no to us. And that was just stupid, you are a spectacular person, of course someone else would see your value and want to be with you. And a person can only be treated with indifference for so long before they believe that the other person is actually indifferent. My biggest regret… withholding intimacy, many times you wanted sex and to feel me, and my dumb ass withheld that from you because I was mad about something. How stupid was that, a woman should never be rejected by her man, it cuts too deep. I am so sorry for that Jenn, that behavior was absolute bullshit. Especially because those moments when we made love and I felt you were heaven to us, the rest of the world did not matter, the whole universe was you.
I never talked with you about how important you were in my life, especially after we ‘broke up’. The times you would come over to my place just to watch TV meant everything to me. I would look forward to putting my head on your stomach and feeling you, putting my arms around you, closing my eyes and inhaling you. But God forbid I tell you any of this, nope just let her think you don’t really give a shit that way you won’t have to confront any of your bullshit. What a jackass. I am also sorry for being hostile, or grumpy with the 2 of you at times. You never did anything to deserve it. It was just my fucked up way of creating some distance. I knew you loved me Jenn, why the fuck would you hang in there for so long if you didn’t. It wasn’t your job to tell me you were walking away, anyone would walk away, hell I would have walked away. It was my job to remove my head from my ass and beg your forgiveness. Of course that never happened until it was too late.
I don’t begrudge you love or a relationship with someone else who will treat you like you deserve. I don’t deserve another chance with you, in my heart I know that. This day is my creation, not yours, I want you to know that I fully understand that. You my love did nothing wrong, you were just a neglected woman yearning for love, I hope you find it baby, I really do.
You will always own a special place in my heart,